+ JMJ +
As a Catholic, I believe marriage is a Vocation. And I believe I’ve been called to it. Although the struggle has been real in this limbo between childhood/adolescence/20s/30s/when it is going to happen! and walking down the aisle. I would definitely put it into the suffering category for me.
I’ll be transparent. Even though I felt called a couple years ago, the questions have still come in: Is there something wrong with me? Are my standards too high? Am I going to be single forever? I could list many more, but those are some of the big ones–all of which I know I’ve heard before from many other single ladies.
Silence is Golden
This past weekend, I went on a silent retreat to the Abbey of Gethsemani. I had a good deal of time in solitude to pray and talk with God. In 2013, I started keeping a prayer journal and it’s semi-steadily grown in my many conversations with Him. One of the nights that I was there, I opened up my collection of heart-to-hearts with God and began a new letter of love. …well if you could call it that.
I entered in with a line of desperation. “Lord?” He responded and I continued. “You called me to marriage, but I’m 30 going on 31 and no one has come. How long am I going to wait? I know all is done in your time. However, I don’t… I don’t… I don’t know what to say…” I didn’t know what to say. I felt as if I didn’t have any words to convey my emotions—my yearning for my own beloved. Then He answered.
He Speaks. I Listen.
He said, “In time. In time he will come.” He continued by describing to me the man that had many of the characteristics of the man I desired, but they were the ones most women desire. The height, the eyes, etc. Of course there were some that were personalized for me, “He [would give] you better hugs than anyone in your life.” Oh, how He knows me! 🙂 He said he could tell me He’d have him for me and that I’d probably be eager to wait if I knew that was a definite. However, He didn’t promise me that.
He told me that He has a man for me, maybe not with those characteristics, but He knows who is best for me. He says, “He’s not perfect. He makes mistakes. He isn’t always kind. He will upset you. He will try to take care of you, but even then, there are times he will fall short. He forgets to take out the trash. He leaves the toilet seat up on accident. He leaves the milk out on the counter. He doesn’t always want to cuddle. But. He loves you. He wants what’s best for you. He mirrors My love for you-in that cracked mirror that is his. I know you’d be content with [someone without the aforementioned characteristics]. I know you know these are superficial. My point is this: That I have someone that is great. […] A man that will be there to help you grow in My will. He could be 6′, but just know he’s not perfect in the world’s eyes, still, he’s perfect for you. Are you willing to wait?”
At first my response was, “I think so.” But shortly after His message to me, I realized something. If I know I’m called to marriage, which I do, I’m also called to trust. He told me that right now He calls me to patience. (I’m like oh boy! I’m on the struggle bus where patience is concerned.) In that patience I need to trust Him, because it’s true—He knows what’s best. He knows who’s best. He know when’s best.
In His Time
This is almost the equivalent to a cuss word when it comes out of people’s mouths. I know I’m not the only one that’s heard it a kagillion times. The issue with me, and I assume every other recipient of that comment, is that the answer is vague. I don’t know when that will be. However, when I talk to God and He tells me it will come in time, it digests a little better.
I’m hoping that, after this time in contemplation over my conversation with God regarding the big “I do”, I become more content with the waiting process. I know it’s going to be hard, because patience and I aren’t the best of friends. Still, He and I will walk hand in hand, until I’m joined with my own beloved.
+ Pax + | KK